


And yet it’s only Christmas when you’re close to me.

by littlelooneyluna



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: 25 Days of Robron Christmas Fics, Angst, Love through the years, M/M, MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE, Mutual Pining, Sad with a Happy Ending, fluff towards the end, it will make you sad cry and then happy cry lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-16 18:59:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13060155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlelooneyluna/pseuds/littlelooneyluna
Summary: without any warning, robert’s whole life is destroyed, leaving him broken during the run up to chritstmas and with only one person who can pull him back from the brink in time for robert to be able to spend christmas with the ones he actually loves.





	And yet it’s only Christmas when you’re close to me.

**Author's Note:**

> MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

** 3rd December 2017: **

 

"Well I've heard my first jingle bell so it's time to start with all of that already. You know what time of the year it nearly is, don't ya Jen -"

Robert slams hard down on the radio, convinces himself it was too loud anyway, that his head hurts or something.

But he knows it's because the days are getting shorter, the nights are getting longer and that means Christmas is round the corner and he can't even cope with what that's going to mean this year compared to what it should have meant.

You know, a new house, a newer little family of his own.

All that cheesy, rot your teeth shit which Robert gave up hope of having when he reached fifteen.

The car door slams and Robert looks up, sees Rebecca standing over him with a smile on her face.

He fakes a smile, watches her struggle to get into the car and stretch the seatbelt over her stomach.

It's growing, it's massive and she looks set to pop and Robert still looks at it and can't believe that inside, inside _her_ is his own child.

He's waiting for that to click.

Maybe it won't. And yeah, that's worrying. But because it _is_ worrying, maybe deep down he _does_ care.

Maybe.

Rebecca frowns a little. "Radio's off?" She says, blinks quickly. "Not a fan of the festive music."

And _no_.

He isn't.

Robert clears his throat. "Not in the mood." He says, gulps hard and looks outside the window. He knows why he isn't in the mood, Aaron's back today apparently and that's making everything harder.

Him and Liv had gone away to Ireland, apparently it was because she wasn't coping well with _something_.

But he didn't have the right to know and it's not like Aaron would tell him anyway.

Rebecca makes a small sound, like she's holding something back and then letting go. "Can I take a guess?" And he doesn't even want her here, not really, but at the same time she's painfully one of the only people who genuinely give a shit about him nowadays.

So he's stuck here, in his car, acting as her chauffeur for the day because although she's set to drop any day, she's still wanting to get last minute stuff.

"Don't." He tells her, looks up and sees the way she stares back at him a little apologetic. "Just leave it alone."

Rebecca sighs, "Fine." She says, and then she rubs her stomach a little. "You know, he should be the one you're focusing on." And something bristles inside of Robert completely, something draws him closer to her because yeah, he should.

He won't deny the fact that he had a dream the other night about holding his son, and then Jack was there and he was proud and it just made him feel _sick_.

Because everything his own _son_ represents is wrapped up in absolute misery and tears and pain and he shouldn't be.

"I know you didn't expect this to be how your run up to Christmas went, but neither did I." She's saying, and then she's got a hand on Robert's and it makes him turn cold. "He'll be a decent early Christmas present though won't he?"

And that, it makes Robert nearly smile.

And then the sight of Ross crossing the road looking like he has fuck all to live for makes everything come into perspective for him, it _shapes_ his whole understanding and yeah.

It could be worse.

He could be _Ross_.

 

::

 

Diane's in the festive mood too, can't help but clap her hands together when she sees Robert walk into the pub holding a million bags Rebecca has bought.

He smiles through his teeth and then it falls away once he sees Chas by the bar.

Chas, who had a few choice words to scream at him once she came back.

Chas, who made it pretty clear that Aaron didn't need him as much as she thought.

Chas, who once meant more to Robert than he cared to admit.

She makes him feel weak, guilty about just breathing and he suddenly wants to apologise as soon as Rebecca complains about her feet aching or whatever.

He draws in a breath, and then Diane is asking him if he's excited yet and Chas is just there isn't she?

She's pouring pints and shaking her head and he can't handle it.

He won't be able to handle Aaron either really. He knows it.

"Yeah." Robert says.

And there's the massive Christmas tree in the corner of the pub staring at him directly in the face and just for a second he imagines teasing Aaron about not being able to reach the top of the tree.

"Well I am." Rebecca says, huffs out a sigh. "I'd love to see my feet again." She says, hands pressed over her stomach and Robert laughs at her and then -

He sees Aaron by the door of the pub, knows how awful it must look to him and he wills himself not to care how it looks.

Because, yeah he's been awful but -

His kid deserves to have a dad who's happy around him, even like this.

But he looks at Aaron, can't help the way he does. And he looks good, looks like he's got it all sorted out in his head, like he's completely _moved on_.

Aaron just blinks at him, once, twice and then he's looking over at Chas and she's swooping in for a hug.

And Robert's sitting there, heart heavy, because it should be him.

 

::

 

So Aaron brings back misery, regret and Robert wants to hate him for it.

Because, how dare he?

With one single look, Robert went from laughing to feeling like the worst person in the world and he can't get passed it now.

It's why he's hurled himself up in his room at Vic's and he's trying not to cry or anything as he spots Liv outside the Mill, she's looking towards the pub and then Aaron's coming out of nowhere and dragging her towards theirs.

He wants to follow them suddenly, and he feels pathetic.

Because he knows they are dead and buried, he's had a fucking funeral, mourned that loss.

But then Aaron's there again and it's all flooding back without any sort of warning at all.

Vic knocks on the door, she's holding a bowl of something out for Robert and he takes it.

It's soup and she's added some sort of cream to the top, drawn a smiley face.

"Cheers." He says, voice hollow.

Vic sits on the bed and sighs. "You'll always love him, that's a given I know but -" Robert bristles, hates himself. "Rob you've got a life to live for. You've got your _son_ to live for."

But it doesn't feel like that, it doesn't.

"I know." He whispers, "The kid I didn't want though. The kid Aaron hates."

Vic tuts. "It's not about Aaron, it's about _you_." She says, pushes at Robert's shoulder and then she's producing a small photo.

The baby, the scan.

He'd kept it and Aaron had known and it had ruined everything because he _kept_ it.

He runs a hand over the photo and gulps.

"Do you think I'll be a good dad?"

It falls out, and he can see the Christmas lights outside flickering gently as he contemplates the thought.

And then Vic is nodding. "I know what you'd do for the people you love, family. You'll take one look at him and - you'll want to do the exact same."

Robert feels something swirl inside of him.

He'll protect his son, he'll do whatever it takes. He can imagine that, he can and that's _something_ at least.

It makes him smile. "Yeah." Robert shudders, believes it and then he's feeling Vic kiss at his hair and leave.

And he falls asleep with the baby scan on his chest.

 

::

 

He keeps having dreams. They usually revolve around being far away from everything and everyone.

He feels like there's a bridge which is blocking him from reaching out and holding onto what is his.

And then he hears Christmas music and he sees Liv and Aaron at the Dingle's and he's being driven further away from what he knew.

He can't even hear a baby cry.

::

****

** 4th December 2017: **

It's shit really.

The whole day in general is going to be that way Robert decides as soon as he wakes up and spends about half an hour trying to find the scan which must have dropped off him the night before.

He eventually finds it, sides bent over and he fights with himself not to call it some odd sign of his incompetence or whatever.

Instead he's charging down the stairs and widening his eyes as he looks at the state of Rebecca.

She looks more than a little worn out.

"Maybe back to bed?" Robert says but she's shaking her head hard.

"Keeps hurting." Rebecca gets out and maybe this is _it_.

Something bubbles in his chest, he feels a smile escape his lips and then he clears his throat.

"Right, uh -" he comes closer to where she is on the sofa and rubs at her back. It's all alien to him and he's glad when he hears Vic coming down the stairs and assessing he situation.

"Are these contraction thingy's or -" Robert blabs out and suddenly Vic is a pro and he feels like a twat.

"You stay with her, let me go make some tea." Vic says, flipping casually.

" _Tea_?" Robert says, walking with her to the kitchen. "What if she's in -"

Vic covers his mouth and then he hears Rebeca breathing more evenly. "You okay Bex?" She asks.

"Yeah, think it's past actually." Rebecca says, relief in her voice and enough to make Robert feel like a twat for caring as much as he did in the moment and all that.

Vic sees the thought flash across his face. "It's a good thing." She says, "You've finally realised where your priorities should be." And he feels like maybe, just maybe she's right.

 

::

 

The shock of whatever that was is over, and Robert's disappeared out of the house.

He needs to breathe, do some of that by himself but then he's seeing the last person he wants to see, well the second last.

Liv is there, right in front of his face as he walks towards David's.

"Got back yesterday." She says, and he turns around and looks at her.

She's taller, cheeks red and eyes a little bright.

"From Ireland." Robert says, slow, measured and he's fighting this urge to wrap his arms round her and tell her that he's missed her.

She just nods at him and then gulps hard. "Yeah." She says, because there's nothing to say really, nothing at all.

But Robert can't watch her leave just yet. "And you're alright?" He wants to know, needs to know.

Liv looks unsure, and Robert steps forward. It's a mistake though because she's pulling away. "Fine." She says.

Robert's eyes flicker and he feels something heavy weigh in him, he feels like he can't leave her side now, like he's drawn to her and to -

Aaron's standing by the cafe and it makes Robert's insides churn.

Just seeing him, seeing _Aaron_ makes him instantly think _backbackback_ to their first kiss.

It bursts out of nowhere and Robert can't control it.

Maybe that's why Liv speaks up.

"He was finally alright without you, in Ireland. I didn't hear him cry or anything when he thought I was asleep or - or stare at his hands, at his wedding ring finger." Liv is almost hissing and Robert has to catch his breathe. "So don't make it hard again." She insists. "Just think about your precious baby."

And with that, she's gone.

 

::

 

David's got festive music on, you know the one with the big instruments and jingle beats and Robert wants to cut his ears off.

He's buried himself as far away from the speakers as he possibly can and he's shrunk into himself.

It's pointless really, trying to think about anything other than Aaron and what happened four years ago. Three whole years he's known Aaron, and yeah it doesn't even seem like a lot in the grand old scheme of things, but it is a lot. It's almost everything and more.

And that's why he doesn't move when he feels someone pushing passed him, he's almost frozen to the spot, staring at mince pies and completely missing the way Aaron's standing a few feet away from him looking concerned.

"Can I have a word?" And for a second, Robert kids himself, he really fucking kids himself and believes that Aaron remembers what happened today.

He nods quickly. "Uh yeah, yeah is everything alright?"

Aaron pulls a face. "It would be if you left Liv alone."

And Robert's eyes widen, he feels a kick in his stomach hit him hard. It's seconds until he's on the attack.

" _She_ spoke to _me_." He says, eyes red, heart thumping in his chest. "I was -"

Aaron shakes his head and then he's looking Robert up and down like he's _judging_ him and the older man feels like he's been punched.

"You just _can't_ help yourself."

And it hurts, to think that Aaron thinks he's doing this because he wants to mess with his life or something. It's not like Robert can _help_ thinking of them as fucking family after all this time.

Aaron goes to say something else, probably something too far and then he pulls back and gulps.

"Just stay away from us." And it's nothing new, hurts even more now though somehow.

And Robert watches Aaron go towards the door, feels something stretch through him.

"Aaron wait." He's saying, and Aaron turns around slowly. "Do you - do you ah - know what day it is?"

And there's this silence between them, 'Last Christmas' is playing and Robert has a hand behind his back.

He's got his fingers crossed like a stupid fool and Aaron pulls an almost unreadable face.

"Wednesday." He says, shrugs his shoulders and he must know what it's doing to Robert, he _must_.

And Robert's sure that the sound his heart makes doesn't cover the music but -

Aaron doesn't stick around to hear it anyway.

 

::

 

A normal father to be would probably head home and check if Rebecca was alright after her scare this morning, but Robert's not like that. Instead, Robert drags a bottle of something golden towards his lips and gulps hard, comes towards the cricket pavilion and attempts to not think about what he was doing all those years ago.

He'd kissed Aaron, smacked his lips against his and was so petrified it ached, but Aaron didn't punch him. He didn't go wild, he didn't hurt him, he just -

He kissed him back.

And everything, for just a second, fell into place.

Robert looks over towards the patch of grass out in front of him, he can close his eyes and see him and Aaron laying out there eating giant sandwiches and kissing until their lips were numb.

It makes him drink even more, shudder because it's freezing cold, and then he's drinking _too_ much.

And yeah, he's passing out and thinking of how much he hates Christmas.

 

::

 

_"Darling, open your eyes. Look at him." And it's his mother's voice, she's wearing all white and there's a baby in her arms, she's rocking him back and forth and it's enough to make Robert sit up._

_"Mum?" He's saying, feels his voice light and whimsical._

_Sarah's smiling at him, "Wake up love, he's here."_

_And Robert is reaching out, feeling something maybe called love rippling through his body and tingling straight to his finger tips as he reaches out and -_

"You flipping _idiot_!" He hears a voice, it's Vic and she's running towards him, slapping him awake and shaking at his shirt.

Robert frowns harshly, feels the wind pick up and everything becomes heavy, "What are you -"

"The _baby_!" Vic screams, like she always bloody screams about his kid and then she's shuddering. "Bex is in labour!"

And yeah, that makes him come alive.

 

::

 

He lets the Christmas music play in the car.

He even allows himself to enjoy 'White Christmas' as it plays out, and Vic is babbling about how long she had to look for him.

" - No idea where you were, I supposed you'd had words with Aaron and then _he_ got all upset about making you miss the bloody birth and -"

Aaron was upset, well of course he was, because he's a decent bloke like that.

Robert pulls a hand over his face and breathes, then thinks back to that weird fucked up dream he had of his mum, his mum holding his son and it makes everything feel okay inside.

It feels like a blessing of some sort, a blessing from his _mum_ and maybe this is all he needed.

"God you look peaky." Vic says, looks over towards him from the steering wheel and then frowns, "Dare I say you look -"

"Nervous _yeah_ I am." He says, gulps hard, "He's actually nearly here and - it's about time I focused on him instead of Aaron." It slips out, and he sees a baby suddenly, an innocent little baby that doesn't deserve to be ignored or forgotten because yeah he has a heart. He has a heart big enough to let him know that he'll be there for his son, he will.

 

::

 

Vic runs ahead, starts asking where Rebecca is and somehow Robert loses her.

He suspects that she's just gone down the maternity ward but his feet can't carry him there.

Instead, he's shaking, and he's running to the toilets, splashing cold water on his face and then he's sighting his phone.

He's still got Aaron as his background and it startles him completely, because he hasn't even looked at it properly for months now.

For a second, for just a second he thinks about calling him and then he thinks against it. Instead he's coming to this mad realisation that he has to change the background soon doesn't he? He has to replace it with his son, with his little _boy_.

Replace.

Just like Aaron told him he would.

Just like deep down _he_ knew.

Robert blinks quickly, and then he's looking down at his phone again and Aaron's face is flashing up, his phone is shaking against the sink again and again and it won't stop.

Because Aaron's ringing him.

It'd be so easy too, to just pick it up and answer and break down and tell him that he's probably having a panic attack, and that he needs to hear him speaking softly, telling him to calm down and relax.

But he can't be selfish. He just can't be, not when it comes to Aaron, not _now_.

He doesn't get to lean on him, not anymore.

The phone stops ringing and Robert grabs at it, watches as a voicemail pops up on his screen, right underneath Aaron's name.

He presses it before he can even think about it and then -

"Robert." The voice says, hastily. "It's - it's me, it's Aaron. I suppose, I mean - good luck, and I hope everything works out just fine alright? I mean that. I do."

And Robert wants to hear it in his voice, he wants to think that Aaron doesn't hate him but it's hard.

It's hard until he's repeating the message another two times, and then he's splashing more water on his face and yeah, he can do this, he can be a dad, he can hold his son in his arms this Christmas and love him. He can.

He will, he thinks, as he passes the children's ward and sees the ball balls hanging from the Windows.

He will, he thinks, as a nurse tells him wear to find Rebecca.

He will, he thinks, as he sees Vic standing above a small rectangular bed as her shoulders shake and Rebecca has tears streaming down her face.

It makes his heart stop and for a second, and then so many more, he's thinking the absolute _worst_.

"Oh _God_ is he okay?" He's asking, hands actually shaking because this is what he needed to happen, he needed _this_.

But it can't be too late.

Rebecca wipes harshly at her eyes, "He's fine." And he's missed the birth yeah but he never thought he'd do the whole holding her hand thing anyway, it doesn't matter now that he's here and -

Vic is still just standing there, and she's looking down at what Robert assumes is the baby but she won't move.

He can hear the sound of gurgling and an involuntary smile spreads across his face as he looks at Rebecca, steps forward and then Vic is turning towards him, almost _blocking_ him and he frowns harshly.

"Vic, what's -"

And she's shaking her head, eyes filled with tears as Rebecca drops her head. "If - if I had known then -"

Robert gulps hard, "Known what?" He asks, heart hammering in his chest over and over and over again and -

She moves away, and he looks at the baby for the first time.

Decent weight.

Bright red cheeks.

Wriggling about the place like an absolute pro really and -

A _mass_ of black hair.

 

::

 

Her stuff is everywhere, all the fucking presents and the baby books and the _blue_ and he wants to drown in it.

He runs instead, packs everything inside a bag and leaves the cottage.

He leaves and the Christmas lights flicker all around him, swarm into one giant mess of yellow in front of his eyes and the bag over his shoulder is heavy against him as he walks down the main road.

He sees Vic there, she's running towards him and he turns, he goes _right_ in the opposite direction and doesn't stop, he can hear her telling him that Rebecca didn't know, that she was shocked, that she was sorry but it all dies away into absolutely _nothing_ until -

He's falling into someone, he doesn't know who until he feels hands on his arms.

It's Aaron, it's _Aaron_.

"Hey, hey stop -" Robert hears him say, like he's trying to ground him but it isn't working and Robert panics, he pushes Aaron away and breathes out steadily.

It's dark outside now, the moon is up and he can't believe what a difference a few hours have made.

Vic's there still, she's trying to calm him down. "Come back to the house, she's - she's not going to stay anymore - I promise okay, just come -"

"Leave me alone!" He screams, and Aaron's almost crying he's got a hand over his mouth and Robert can't even feel anything for him and it's petrifying.

It's completely petrifying.

So he spots the bus coming, and he runs onto it, and he doesn't look back.

Not even for Aaron.

 

::

 

**5th December 2017: **

 

Blue Christmas is his new favourite song, he's decided that, and it'll stick he thinks.

Because all he's got now is a debit card, a handful of clothes, and a hotel room.

It's all he's got in the world.

 

::

 

**6th December: **

 

Diane thinks he's dead or something, she sends this voicemail which makes him feel sick.

It's all about being sorry, not seeing it coming, being there for him.

But it doesn't _sink_ in.

Because he's at peace with this now, being alone, being utterly alone and he'll stay like this for as long as it takes.

For as long as he wants.

 

::

 

He thinks about Ross, out of nowhere really.

He's held his son by now, he must have.

He's introduced Moses to his little brother hasn't he?

He gets to have that, after the disaster of Emma and Finn dying the way they did.

He gets to have a good Christmas, because deep down, he's the decent bloke.

And Robert, he's the one who had a one stand, he's the cheat.

"Let him have him." Robert whispers, pulls the baby scan out from his bag and stares at it. "You didn't want him anyway."

And saying that, it makes everything feel a little easier.

Lying always has that effect really.

 

::

 

**9th December 2017: **

 

He gets a voicemail from Aaron of all people.

And it hits him where it hurts.

"I know you're hurting, I know, but you have to come home." Aaron says down the line. "You shouldn't be on your own at a time like this. Please."

And Aaron, who's ignored him for weeks, he's taking _pity_ on him now.

And it's so much worse than Robert thought it would be.

Yet he doesn't cry.

He still, _still_ hasn't cried.

But he thinks of home suddenly, wants it back.

 

::

****

** 10th December 2017: **

 

The village is just the same as it was when he left, he returns in the night, when the moon is up and there are stars sweeping across the velvet colour of the sky.

It makes him almost tingle.

But then the feeling dies because he remembers how much Christmas has threw up over the small village and it makes him wince.

Because Christmas was supposed to mean something this year, it was supposed to be his son's _first_ Christmas.

And yet it isn't.

It's Ross' son's first Christmas instead and Robert still can't think passed that.

 

::

 

The lights are on at Vic's but he can't bring himself to go back there, to step in and see a massive tree she's got up, hear Adam giggling about near her, already in the festive spirit.

He can't hear that.

So he decides, he's going to get a bottle of something from the pub and then slop off somewhere before anyone sees him.

It's an idea, probably a stupid one but he's not thinking clearly right now. So that's why he walks through the doors of the pub, that's why he walks straight up to the counter and asks for a bottle of whiskey.

But everyone is dead silent, and then Christmas music starts to fade out too until there's nothing left.

Chas is there, she's wearing a red blouse with a gold zipper and it's just the sort of thing she'd wear to try and get in the festive spirit. And Robert hates how he _knows_ that about her.

He hates it.

"Are you sure?" She's asking, like she even _cares_ and Robert feels something bubble up inside him, he can see her eyes flickering to the corner of the pub and then he sees Ross sitting there and he's holding the baby in his arms.

And Rebecca, she's sitting right opposite him.

It takes too much, _everything_ suddenly to have to look away from them, from the baby, but he does. And he's looking straight back at Chas, because somehow there's no guilt on his mind when he looks into her eyes. "I'm sure." He says, heavy, solid.

But her eyes are still flickering like she genuinely doesn't know what to do, and then she leans over, nearly _melts_ into this motherly figure again and he wants to hate her.

"Should I call Vic? You've been gone for a -"

"I _said_ , I'm sure. I'm _fine_." He snaps, and that's when Rebecca looks up at him.

"Robert." She says, barely even speaks really but he hears it and he just wants a drink, he just wants -

"Rob? You're back?" It's Vic's voice, and then it's her hand on his shoulder and she's saying that everything is going to be okay, she's saying that he's freezing, that he needs to go back with her to the cottage.

"No." He says, "I want a drink." He stresses, because he's actually sober and doesn't want to be anymore, because everything is too real and clear and he can't stand it.

Vic just stands there, "You can have one back at mine, come on." And she makes the mistake of reaching for him, so he recoils back, pushes into someone and it's Aaron.

He just appears out of nowhere and he looks so scared for him.

And the Christmas tree in the corner of the room is mocking everything again.

"Calm down Rob." Aaron's saying, holding onto Robert's shoulders but it isn't helping, it's making Robert push away from him and turn back to Chas.

"I'm fine, just give me a drink." He's saying, and he's creating a scene, he knows he is but -

Aaron tries again, tries to hold onto his arm and Robert shrugs him away.

" _Back_ off." Robert shouts and then hears the most heart-breaking noise in the world.

The baby's crying.

He shouldn't wince, he shouldn't, but he does, and then he's feeling trapped because Vic's on one side and Aaron's on the other and the Christmas music is just pounding in his ears now, reappearing out of nowhere.

He tries to leave, but Vic has her hands up and then Aaron's doing the same and calling him _mate_ and -

Somehow he manages to bolt out of the door and run straight towards Vic's.

 

::

 

He's barricaded himself in.

It's the only way he can be alone, he thinks.

And then he's hating himself for coming back, for thinking it was a good idea, for convincing himself that it was still his home somehow.

It's dark in the living room, with all the lights off, and when he tries to press them on, the tree illuminates and he shuts them off completely.

He sits in the dark, presses his head in his knees and breathes out deeply.

He almost feels like he's having a break down or something, like everything is falling away from him and there's only this empty shell of a person left.

But he doesn't cry.

He doesn't.

 

::

 

The stairs seem threatening, and then so does Rebecca's old room.

It'll be empty, he tells himself, and when it's _not_ , everything is ruined.

There's masses of bags, there's a crib, and there's toys and fluffy teddies and beautiful blankets and -

It takes seconds for Robert to completely destroy it all.

 

::

 

He's broken almost everything, sitting away from the shards of glass and thinking only about the sound of the baby crying.

And then he's thinking about that song, Blue Christmas, and it makes something jolt in his chest.

Robert presses his head back against the soft blue wall and he gulps hard. For a second everything is quiet and then there's the sound of banging, and thudding and he realises he never had the right to blockade his own sister out of her house.

"Rob, please let me in." She's saying, pleading really and he can hear Adam saying something about having to knock it down and then -

"Don't do that." It's Aaron, "Let me - see if I can -"

And Vic moves, she's pushing away from the door and Aaron's there.

"Rob, I'm coming in okay?" He's saying, voice shaky, thick with something so damaged. And Robert just sits where he is, can hear Aaron's voice strong and clear despite the staircase between them.

There's this strong banging sound, and something being pushed against the floor and then he can Aaron's footsteps edging towards the staircase.

It takes seconds for Aaron to appear at the door of Rebecca's room and Robert can't even look at him, he just cowers his head, ashamed.

"Robert." Aaron tuts, looks around the room and then towards Robert. He's suddenly got this worried look on his face and his eyes widen. "Shit, your hand." He says, and Robert's not even noticed that it's bleeding.

Aaron skirts across to him and looks right at him, eyes glossy with tears.

Robert raises his head gingerly, almost like he can't and then Aaron's shaking his head. "Go." He gets out, as quickly as he can. "Just go." He says.

Aaron frowns, "No way." He snaps back, almost immediately. "Rob, I'm not leaving you on your own, not - not again." He blurts out and Robert frowns at him. "I should have followed ya when you just left."

And it makes Robert frown even harder, "Don't, don't say that." He whispers, and then Aaron's gulping hard.

"I'm so sorry." He's saying, and everything becomes too real.

He doesn't want Aaron apologising, _no_. "Please go, just go." He's saying over and over again, and then he's pushing at Aaron's chest until it's too late, and Aaron's too close and Robert's collapsing into his chest and -

He can't stop the way he cries now.

"It's okay, it's me, it's okay." Aaron's whispering, combing a hand through Robert's hair and gently rocking him back and forth.

And it's hours, feels like it anyway until Aaron's pulling away and Robert has tears streaming down his face.

"Never even wanted him did I?" Robert says, voice hoarse as he sits across from Aaron. "I wanted to _hate_ him." He blinks quickly, thinks back. "I said I hated it, the baby, I said I hate the stupid baby and then -"

Robert frowns. "He wasn't even mine to hate." He says, voice so hollow it aches.

Aaron sniffs, "You weren't to know." He says, voice thick, filled with a sadness Robert doesn't understand.

Robert shudders, "I should have known, maybe - if I actually cared about him then - I would have _known_." He stresses, has a hand falling through his hair. He shuffles slowly and then gulps. "But I didn't." He sniffs, "And then I cared too much all of a sudden because of mum."

And Aaron lifts his head up, a tear falls down his face. "Your mum?" He's whispering and Robert nods.

"I had a dream - she was - she was holding him." He shivers and Aaron gulps hard. "It made everything feel like it mattered now." He says.

And Aaron sighs, "You can't stay here." He tells him after a few seconds go by, "Not like this." He whispers.

Robert shrinks into himself. "Just a little longer." He says, and Aaron nods. "What would you say if I said I didn't want you go?"

And Aaron looks like his heart is breaking for Robert. It takes seconds for him to scoot up to Robert, to allow the older man to dive his head towards his chest and they stay like that for hours.

 

** 11th December 2017: **

 

He wakes up and Aaron's not holding him anymore.

Instead he's cleaning up the room and Robert rubs at his eyes, can't believe he actually stayed.

He can hear Vic and Adam downstairs and the first thing he actually feels is embarrassment.

Aaron almost senses it, it's why he stops backing the broken pieces away into the bin bag and looks at Robert.

"Vic's made some toast. Go down and get some." He almost orders and Robert just nods his head slowly, his bones feel achy and he clicks his neck as he stands.

"Didn't think you'd -"

And even Aaron seems surprised, almost uncomfortable. "You don't need enemies right now do ya?" He says, almost a gentle nature to his tone.

And yeah, he's right.

 

::

 

Vic is soft with her words, she tells him that he doesn't need to do anything he doesn't want to.

And yeah, it seems like she genuinely thinks he's had a breakdown too.

Maybe he has.

How would he even _know_ if he had?

"Aaron stayed then." Vic says, and Robert just remembers Aaron rubbing at his arms and telling him it was all going to be okay.

He remembers him lying basically.

But he didn't leave, he'd left so many times before now, but he _didn't_ go this time.

He didn't.

Vic pulls this face and then Adam's suddenly interested and Robert wants to hide away.

"Nothing happened." He says, can't believe they'd even _think_ like that because him and Aaron are so _far_ from being anything other than weird exes.

Vic nods quickly, tries to disguise her shock.

"And he's still here?" Vic's whispering, and when Robert nods slowly she smiles. "Well that's promising isn't it?"

And he could throttle her with the mounds of tinsel by the banisters.

"Vic." Adam snaps, and it's bad when even Adam knows you're taking it all a little too far.

Vic just frowns though, "What? It's a clear sign that he doesn't hate you anymore," she shrugs, like Aaron's just been able to flick a switch.

Robert thinks about the possibility and it feels alien. He convinces himself that Aaron and his kindness would have been there for anyone really.

And Robert, he would have cried on whoever came through that door.

It had nothing to do with it being Aaron.

For a second, his mind castes back to the night before. He'd spoken about his _mum_ and he shouldn't have.

He suddenly scrapes the chair against the floor and stands.

"Where are you -"

But he's up the stairs before anyone can say anything else.

And he sees Aaron standing there, he's holding a small little elephant with a Christmas hat on it and he's shaking his head and he looks fucking _sad_.

It makes Robert burn inside because, Aaron doesn't have the right to be sad about a kid he resented from the very start.

"You can go now." Robert says, heart heavy as he gets the words out.

But Aaron just looks around the room, around the _mess_ and frowns. "But there's -"

"It isn't your mess." Robert interrupts him, something cold in his tone which he knows he has to exert.

"Rob, I just -"

"You don't have to pretend you're _sorry_." Robert's telling him, and he shouldn't be like this, he should be thankful but he's just _angry_ isn't he?

Aaron's eyes widen, and he looks almost insulted. "I _am_ sorry, you think I wanted you like this?"

Robert squints, "You should. It's what I deserve." He shrugs out, voice hollow.

"I didn't want you like _this_." And Aaron's shoulders look all heavy as he speaks and it's too much for Robert to hear.

"Go Aaron." Robert says, and Aaron drops the bags to the ground, passers Robert slowly and resits placing a hand on his shoulder.

"I'll see you around then." He says, like it's a question and Robert feels obliged to nod.

So he does, and then Aaron's leaving him alone again.

 

::

 

She shows up.

She's bound to really, but she does the decent thing and doesn't bring the baby.

Robert's in his room when he hears her whispering with Vic, she's saying something about _needing_ to see Robert and Vic is mouthing of.

He expects it, he's almost grateful for it.

But he also knows that he has to see her doesn't he?

He just has to.

So he clicks open the door, and she's standing there, playing with her brown embroidered purse and gulping.

"Five minutes." She says, almost pleads.

And he watches her walk into the small room.

The air is thick, so thick and sad and he feels this need to hide the small elephant at the edge of his bed.

He couldn't seem to part from that toy, not when Aaron had touched it.

"Bet your happy." Robert says, has his back against the wall. "He's beautiful." He says, eyes almost vacant as Rebecca looks at him.

"He is." Rebecca says slowly. "And I - I'm sorry."

Robert frowns. "Sorry?" He's saying. "Why are _you_ sorry then Bex?" And there's heat building through him as she looks away. "Is it because I lost my _husband_ because of this, because I was practically _pushed_ into caring for him and then as soon as I finally do he's not even _mine_?"

And it plays out over and over again.

"I didn't -"

"Or - or because I kept telling myself that this year, I won't be alone, I'll have _him_ at Christmas. I'll have a son." Robert stares at Rebecca hard, "And you knew didn't ya?"

Rebecca pulls a hand over her face. "There was always a chance, I just -"

Chance.

Always.

Robert breathes in. "You told me that -"

"It was easier." She says, almost snaps. "Only now it - it's not and - I didn't mean to hurt you Robert."

And maybe that's true.

But he can't even look at her right now.

"Just leave me alone." He says, heart so heavy he needs to sit down. And yeah, she's going and he hates her for making him cry.

 

::

** 13th December: **

 

It seems like it didn't even happen really.

Because no one mentions the baby, just _ChristmasChristmasChristmas_ and he hates it all.

"You alright?" David asks him, like he has to and then Tracy's there with a soft smile on her face.

Robert clicks his jaw, "Yeah." He says. "I could do without the looks though." He bites a little and then he's watching Liv look at him from across the shop.

She's got her hands around a box of mince pies and he thinks about how many times he would annoy Aaron about having to get more and more.

[ _"No you prat, stop eating them all in one go and I won't have to keep going to David's and getting more!"_

_And Robert grinned, looked up at Aaron and laughed._

_"You do it because you love me." Robert tells him, leans in for a kiss and Aaron rolls his eyes, doesn't disagree and then he's kissing him hard._ ]

"Oh we didn't mean to - it's just with the whole baby not -" and yeah, Tracey can't shut her mouth apparently.

"Oi, zip it." Robert hears and Liv is there, she's coming towards him and she's _defending_ him from Tracy.

She doesn't have to do that.

But she does.

Robert watches Tracy's eyes widen and then she's apologising.

Robert gulps hard, wants the ground to swallow him up as All I Want Christmas starts playing and Liv is still standing in front of him.

"I heard." She says, and that's all she has to say really. It's enough to make Robert look towards the floor.

"Right." He says. "Pretty sure you're not the only one." And there's a sadness in his voice, he can't get passed it.

Liv looks up at him, "I'm sorry, I know that doesn't mean anything but -"

"It's alright." And it feels weird, because Diane keeps saying it, and so does Vic and even Adam and he doesn't know how to respond.

It's not like someone's _died_.

The baby is fine, more than fine apparently.

Liv just nods and then he's looking down at her bags, she's obviously done the shopping and she looks like she's struggling a little.

"Mind helping me?" She asks, and Robert gulps. He hasn't gone back to the Mill for months, he hasn't spoke to Aaron since he told him to leave Rebecca's room.

"I don't know if -"

Liv frowns softly. "I want you to." She says and it means almost everything. "Please."

And despite everything, Robert goes.

 

::

 

It's not like Aaron expects him there, at his door, but he is and Robert can't help but notice how he looks.

He looks caught off guard.

Like he isn't expecting to see him.

Liv looks between them and then clears her throat. "Rob just helped me with the bags." She says and Robert tries to smile.

"You didn't have to do that." Aaron says, looks almost stunned with gratefulness and Robert nods slowly, tells him it's not a big deal.

But it is, and Liv seems to know it is as she skirts past her brother and takes the bags into the kitchen.

Robert is still hanging by the door, and Aaron steps towards him a little.

"You look well." Robert hears Aaron say and he looks up at him, can't even believe that he's hearing this.

"You don't have to be nice to me Aaron." Robert tells him, hears it drum over and over in his head.

_' He's taking pity on you mate, Aaron pities you. '_

Aaron breathes in. "I know that." He says, shrugs his shoulders and then he's sighing. "Liv bought mince pies, don't suppose you want one?"

And it seems to mean absolutely everything, an invitation, a way back in and Robert can't say no.

 

::

 

The first thing he realises when he walks in is the fact that Aaron hasn't got a Christmas tree up or anything like that.

He thinks about it as he watches Aaron walk across to the kitchen and say something to Liv.

_He hears something like:_

_"He needs us. Don't mess it up."_

And it's Liv speaking.

"Scram." Aaron's saying and Liv is going up the stairs.

Suddenly Robert's hands are clammy and he's _nervous_ as he comes into the kitchen.

It's weird, everything is just as it was before.

"Grab a plate." Aaron's saying and Robert automatically knows where to look, brings out one and then sets it on the counter.

He watches Aaron slide on a mince pie and pass it over to Robert.

"Cheers." Robert says slowly, before he gulps hard and sits down awkwardly.

The air is thick, heavy suddenly and he doesn't know what he's supposed to say.

"Aaron," he says finally, looks up at him. "Why am I here?" He's asking. "I mean why are you being so -"

And Aaron frowns. "Did you expect me to be jumping for joy once I found out?" He looks insulted and then he's shaking his head. "She hurt you." He says, and Robert's eyes widen at the way Aaron gets it out.

There's a beat of silence between them and then Robert shrugs his shoulders.

"And I hurt you." He says sadly. "You can't forget that just because he's not mine."

And he's right, but Aaron doesn't seem to want to hear that.

He just looks down towards the counter and breathes out slowly. "It's only a mince pie you prat." Aaron gets out finally, and it breaks something lost between them, happiness maybe.

Robert smiles, and then he's shuddering. "Thank you." He says, because he doesn't feel alone, not here, not _now_.

Aaron doesn't say anything, just nods and then he gulps hard. "I'm making a curry tonight, maybe you want to -"

And it's everything Robert wanted to hear months ago, but now, it's hollow.

"I don't think that's a good idea." He says and Aaron's face drops.

"Rob, I'm not trying to make this difficult for you, I just - it might take your mind of things that's all."

"What eating a meal with the family I was supposed to spend Christmas with?" And it snaps out of him without warning, and he thinks he's blown it because Aaron looks down.

"I'm sorry." Robert gets out quickly. "Aaron, I'm a mess and - and you don't need this."

Only the way Aaron looks at him says otherwise.

He doesn't look angry, doesn't look like he's full of hate.

"I need your help with the spices though don't I? Never put enough in." And Aaron is looking at him like he thinks Robert is going to shatter any minute, he looks like he wants to hug him but can't.

And Robert drops his head.

"It's up to you mate."

Aaron says it and Robert feels something bubble in his chest.

"Mate?" Robert says, voice nearly breaking.

"Mates." Aaron whispers, "Or whatever you call exes who don't want to throttle each other."

And Robert agrees to stay before he can say anything else.

 

::

 

He stays for dinner, and it's almost normal.

And Liv is even more gobby, makes Robert laugh and forget and wish this was real.

Maybe it comes across because Aaron looks at him across the table a few times, smiles so sincerely that it aches.

It's like he wants to reassure him.

And Robert will take that.

 

::

 

Aaron washes up, takes ages because he's so shit at it and Robert stands there drying the plates.

It's domesticated, how it usually was and Robert can't take it for a second longer.

"I think I better go." He says, and Aaron, he stupidly looks heartbroken or something and Robert wants to smack it out of him.

"You don't need to go yet." Aaron's telling him. "I mean - you don't have to feel like you have to go."

Robert gulps hard, feels something slow travel through his veins. "If I stay any longer then -"

And Aaron almost seems to understand. It's why he turns the tap off, dries his hands and walks Robert towards the door.

"You can come here." Aaron tells him, "When you feel like - like you don't have anywhere else to go."

Robert feels something warm spread across his chest and he wants it to be true.

"Not after everything I've done."

And Aaron steps forward an inch more. "After everything you've done." He gets out, easily. "I don't want you - you doing anything daft."

And Robert nods slowly, hates how vulnerable Aaron thinks he is but he can't do anything about that really.

"Night Aaron." He's saying, and the wind picks up outside, for a second he thinks it might even snow and then Aaron's leaning against the door.

"Night Rob." He whispers, almost like he doesn't want Robert to go.

 

::

 

He sleeps softly when he gets back, doesn't think about the baby, but instead of snow on Christmas Day and seeing the look on Aaron's face.

He sleeps with a smile on his face.

 

::

 

_{ I'll be home for Christmas_

_If only in my dreams. }_

 

::

 

** 15th December  2017: **

 

Aaron's on the floor, has a small child on his hip and he's laughing along with Adam about something as he tries to work out how to slot pieces of a toy track in together.

It's definitely Christmas, there's a giant reef on the door and a massive tree up as well and Robert watches it all happen right in front of him.

And then he's seeing two little kids run around the table, giggling their heads off, so happy and grinning and having the time of their lives.

He smiles, and Aaron lifts his head and looks over at him, mouths Merry Christmas and he feels as light as a feather.

Only it's not real, and he jumps up out of bed in the middle of the night, and he wants to cry.

 

::

 

Christmas is literally in full swing now, carols are being sung and there's a sweetness in the air all around the village.

He's standing outside the Mill, doesn't know whether or not he should actually go in but Aaron's invited him round.

And it's alien, or at least it feels alien.

"Not going in then?" And when he turns he sees Chas standing there.

He tries to look away but she comes closer. "Or do you want me to get you a bottle of something, numb the pain for a bit."

It feels like she's almost teasing him and he snaps his head up.

"What because I'm some sad drunk now am I?"

And yeah, he sort of is.

Because when he's not at work, not with Aaron, he's becoming dependent on drink.

Especially at night.

Vic's found the bottles and she keeps telling him to stop but he doesn't want to, not yet anyway.

Chas clears her throat. "Don't want to comment on that." She says and then she's twisting her lip a little. "Must be hard." She says, "Seeing him."

And he nearly had to run back home yesterday because the little baby, baby Liam Finn Barton, he was on display in the cafe and Rebecca looked so proud of herself.

"It's not like I bonded with him." He says, and he keeps reminding himself of that, keeps saying: it could have been worse.

Because that makes this easier.

Chas nods. "Fair point." She says, and then she's looking towards the Mill. "He told me not to say anything but -" Robert looks at her. "Don't even know how he's letting you in really."

And that hurts, he feels all this _unworthiness_ suddenly and it's horrible.

"Cheers." Robert says, voice gutting, heavy.

And then she's gone, she's off down the road and Robert walks further towards the house.

He waits, for just a second and then he hears Diane's voice.

"This is so good of you." She's saying, "Giving him somewhere to go."

And Robert's heart thumps.

"It's fine, don't worry about it."

"No, because you didn't have to be nice to him, and - and I know I had my dealings in you inviting him to stay for his tea but -"

"Like I said, it's fine."

And Robert feels something cold just hit him hard.

There's all this _pity_ mixed in with his heart now.

He feels blackened, like Aaron doesn't care after all.

Because Diane _told_ him to say all that shit about having somewhere to go. Diane _made_ him act all nice and caring.

He was only doing her a favour.

All friends and all that.

He doesn't have the chance to think about it anymore because Diane's walking towards the door and Aaron's standing there, looking so fucking guilty it hurts.

"It's not what you think." Diane's saying hastily. "I knew you needed a friend and – ”

"My ex." Robert whispers, the words are cutting and cruel. "You thought you'd give me all this -you thought that - that making me think he really fucking cares would actually help in the long run?"

Because it's hurt me. He wants to say.

Because now there's fuck all left.

Aaron steps forward. "I wasn't pretending, Diane just -"

"I'm not your problem Aaron." He says, heart heavy. "I'm only _mine_." He hisses. "Because I've got _nothing_ left, and - and -"

Aaron's suddenly coming towards him and Robert knows that he'll catch him if he falls but he doesn't want him to.

He doesn't want his fucking _pity_.

"No." Robert snaps, pushes Aaron away hard and Diane's telling him to calm down.

"I don't need you, I don't need _anyone_." Robert's shouting, making a scene and then Rebecca's suddenly across the village.

She's just there, just _there_.

And Aaron still hates him and -

"Come inside." Aaron tells him.

Robert backs away. "Why? Why, you – you hate me, you still _hate_ me."

And Aaron's eyes water.

"Robert _please_ just -"

"I was kidding myself, pretending that - that you care." And he backs away as slowly as he can, "Now you don't have to bother."

Aaron steps forward, and Diane has a hand over her mouth like she's sorry or something.

And then he's turning round, and he's hearing Diane pull Aaron back, tell him that he needs to be alone.

And yeah, it's the last thing Robert needs.

 

::

 

A downward spiral.

Maybe this is what one is, and Jesus it is not a good time.

He's got a bottle of something in his hand, it's dark, amber and it burns his throat as he slumps near the cricket pavilion.

His hands shake as he holds the bottle, thinks about the fact that it's Christmas in ten days, and he'll probably have no one by then.

Because Vic, she's getting sick of him, he knows it.

And Aaron, well he didn't even care to begin with.

The wind picks up suddenly and Robert winces, wishes he didn't just run out like he did as he pulls the bottle up towards him and trembles.

It's bad, how much he almost depends on it now.

He's holding it up, the bottle is almost in the air and then Robert hears the sound of feet crushing against the gravel.

"You don't need that." Aaron says, comes forward and tries to take the bottle from Robert. "You _don't_."

And Robert wants to believe he doesn't.

But he clings onto it instead.

"Where's Diane? Did she pay ya to come and find me." Robert whispers. "I'm fine, so do one." He says. "Go report back."

But Aaron just sighs, just comes and sits down next to him, pushes at his shoulders.

"It wasn't like that." He says, "She - she asked me to keep an eye out for you but that was it."

Robert scoffs. "I'm a charity case."

And Aaron holds him by the arm, hard, eyes wide and filled with this sudden anger. "No you're not." He says, and he's so close, so close and Robert just can't handle it. He doesn't know how to feel.

"I am." Robert whispers, looks down as he speaks and then Aaron's lifting him up by his chin.

"Look at me." Aaron's telling him, "You're _not_."

And Robert lets go of this need to keep himself away from Aaron. Instead he falls into his chest, and he lays there for what feels like hours until Aaron's picking him up and onto his feet and they're walking back to the Mill.

It's dark by the time Aaron clicks the door shut and Robert is sitting on the sofa.

"Drinking helps." Robert admits. "When I think of - of the kid, of you, of everything being ruined. It makes me forget."

Aaron's by his side almost instantly. "You can't keep drinking like that."

And Robert doesn't want Aaron to worry, that wasn't the plan at all.

He should be out buying Christmas presents, having the flipping tree up by now and annoying Liv with talk about what to get her.

"I shouldn't be here." Robert says, almost just begins to soak up his surroundings. This isn't his anymore, he knows that. "I should go." He says, rises to his feet and feels all the alcohol rush to his head.

"You don't have to do that." Aaron's telling him.

"I'm not your problem Aaron!" Robert shouts, and he's standing now and Aaron just keeps looking concerned. "Don't - don't look at me like that." He's saying, shaking his head.

"Like what? Like - like I fucking care that you don't start getting more and more dependent on that shit, that you don't - don't slip even _further_ away!" And Aaron's exploding, coming towards Robert and scrunching up his shirt.

"I - I don't -"

"You don't want me to pity ya? Well I _don't_ alright! I don't fucking pity you. I _care_ you idiot." Aaron's saying, eyes watery and making Robert gulp hard because they're so _close_.

He could lean in, he could ruin it all.

Robert's chin wobbles instead. "You're - you're just saying that." He stammers out, can't believe that it's actually true. "Because I'm alone now, because I don't have a son anymore."

And that's what it comes down too doesn't it?

"I don't have a son anymore." He whispers. "I just - I never did." He says, heavy, so heavy.

And Aaron's slouching his shoulders. "Rob -"

"And you think I need to hear it." Robert says, "Because you - you know I need you." He whispers, shakes his head and he's got tears in his eyes. "You _know_."

And Aaron comes closer, "And I don't need you?"

Robert's heart thumps in his chest, and he can't breathe.

"Look around you," Aaron tells him. "My life - it's on fucking _pause_." He says, "Because of you."

And Robert gets it, understands why there's no Christmas tree up yet, no fairy lights, no decorations at all.

And all he can be is sorry.

"I'm sorry." He admits, "That's exactly why I can't be here, because - because I hold you back."

And he does.

The baby wasn't his and he broke down and Aaron was there to pick up the pieces.

He was there.

"No you don't." Aaron's telling him, eyes wet with tears as he comes forward and has his hands over Robert's face. He's touching him and Robert shivers, it's been so long. "You never have."

But Robert can't help but think _back_ , can't help but remember how tattered they were, all that water under the bridge is making him drown.

"I need to go." He says, "Aaron, I need to go." He whispers, but he doesn't want to, he doesn't but he _has_ to.

So he's walking towards the door, heart heavy and Aaron calls his name.

"I remembered the date Rob."

And Robert has to catch his breath.

Because he knows what he means, the date, the anniversary, the -

The 4th of December.

He feels feet walking towards him and then Aaron's turning him around.

"The fourth of December, when you kissed me, when I - when I kissed you back and it all started." Robert hears Aaron speak, has goosebumps over him immediately. "And I was going to tell ya but then he wasn't yours and you were a mess and -"

"Nothing's changed Aaron." Robert whispers sadly as Aaron places a hand on his chest. "I still broke your heart."

And Aaron bites his lip, eyes soft and watery. "Everything's changed now." He tells him, "It changes everything."

It takes a second for Robert to notice the way Aaron nods his head a little before he's leaning in and he's kissing him and then -

The moment is unstoppable.

 

::

 

** 16th December 2017: **

 

It's just gone midnight, and Aaron's in his arms.

He's soft hair is against Robert's chest and he has a hand spread out across his shoulder, almost hugging him as they lay there and try to control their breathing.

But it's hard, considering they nearly broke their ankles getting up the stairs, and then broke the bedroom lamp as Aaron pushed Robert against the wall.

And it had been everything and more, _everything_.

"Shit." Robert pants, realisation hitting him as he lays there, because he knows what's coming. He knows that Aaron's just as messed up as he is and that didn't solve anything.

Aaron lifts his head up, and he looks almost lost in Robert for a second. "And yet you're still in my head." He whispers. "Still."

Robert shudders, has a hand across Aaron's face and notices how pink his chest is. "I think that's how it always will be when it comes to us, we just - we'll always feel like that."

In love, madly, ridiculously, dangerously and pathetically.

The realisation almost breaks Aaron, and it makes Robert want to hold him close but he can't.

They're suddenly so distant again and Robert tries to break through it, kisses Aaron tenderly on the lips and still feels something fizzle through him.

"Rob," Aaron says, as he breaks away from the kiss and his eyes are watering.

But Robert already knows what he's going to say.

"It changed nothing." Robert says, a tear falling down his face without warning. "It's okay, it's okay I - I ruined us a long time ago I know."

And Aaron looks like he doesn't want to give in, doesn't want to admit that Liam not being Robert's didn't magically flick a switch and make it all okay again.

"Everything's just - it's too heavy." Robert says, and Aaron shudders.

"I thought it would work." He says, and he's heartbroken again as he holds Robert's face in his hands. "And it did, it made me feel - feel fucking alive Rob but - but now I - we can't just fall back together again can we?"

And Robert, he's big enough to know that now, to admit that -

"Some people just - they're not built to last for long." He says, and it feels like him and Aaron were this _epic_ love affair, not only three years long.

Aaron has his eyes closed, looks fucking _gutted_. "Rob, I promise you I don't hate ya." He tells him, "I couldn't hate _you_." And then he's falling into Robert's chest and everything is quiet for a second.

"I need to go." Robert says, heart so heavy as he realises that this - it's awful, and it's everything he wants but it's everything he can't have either. "And this - it needs to stop."

This, me and you, ending up _here_ again.

And Aaron looks up at him. "But we can be mates?" He says, like it's obvious, like it's a _must_ and it makes Robert wince.

"I need to go." He says, and he's getting out of the bed, pulling on his clothes and Aaron just sits there, so vulnerable suddenly. "Aaron." Robert calls, and Aaron turns towards him. "Put the Christmas tree up yeah?"

Because you need to forget me.

Because you need to press play.

Because you're brilliant without me.

And Aaron wipes at his eyes. "Okay." He whispers and Robert nods his head.

"It's time, time you put yourself first."

And me last.

It's maddening really, to think that a few months ago, laying next to Aaron in bed would have been everything to Robert.

But now? It's about Aaron, about knowing that it wasn't good for him. About knowing that them reuniting would only make the man go _backwards_.

It's about growing up and facing facts and dealing with the fact that having a Blue Christmas is in season now, especially when it means Aaron will have a normal happy one.

So he goes, and he's walking back across the road in the dead of night because it's what has to happen.

And he wipes away his tears, keeps his chin up and curses the glare of the Christmas lights as he slumps into bed and hums Blue Christmas to himself like the sad fucking loser he is.

 

::

 

When the sun comes up, he hears Diane by his door and she's full of apologies.

"I sorted it with him." Robert tells her. "I get why you were - were worried." He says, and he's playing with his shirt awkwardly as he sights a bottle on the floor near his wardrobe.

Diane follows his eyes and sighs. "I had good reason pet." She says, and then she's sitting on the bed. "You and Aaron then?"

And it shouldn't make something bubble inside him.

"We're over Diane." He shrugs. "We were before and - we are now." He says, voice hollow.

And she looks so confused. "But - but he still cares about -"

"And I care about him." Robert tells her. "But - but we can't go back to how it was."

So I gave up. He wants to scream. And I watched him give up too.

"Oh darling." She's saying and he accepts how softness, because he needs kindness now.

Now he knows that there's nothing more of his life.

And Christmas is still just round the corner, pecking his head.

 

::

 

He sees Rebecca with Liam and he stops dead.

She's got him dressed up in something designer already and he wonders if Ross has stolen it or something, doesn't even feel like a dick when the thought enters his mind.

She notices him, and comes over towards him in the pub.

The baby is gargling like mad, his distinguishable black hair is even more curly now and he's clapping his hands.

"Hello." She's saying, and Robert wonders if she thinks he still can't stand her or something.

"Goodbye." He says, can't even look up at her really.

But she isn't moving.

"I wanted to see how you were." Rebecca whispers, and then she's sighing. "Robert, I -"

"Can you go?" He's saying and he can't help but look at the baby now that Rebecca is reaching into the pram and trying to stop him from crying.

He doesn't stop though and he's suddenly right in front of his face and crying.

"I just want to explain." But he doesn't want to hear it and he tries to leave, tries not to remember too much about the baby as she blocks his way and then -

"Must be deaf as well as a liar." Chas says, and she's at the bar suddenly, looking towards Rebecca and the way her face turns bright red is enough for Robert to see.

"I'm going." Rebecca says hastily and only when he sees the back of her can he breathe alright.

He wants to thank Chas, and she lets him surprisingly.

"Aaron tells me things now, it's weird." She says, pulls a face. "He told me that you and him were over last night, crying down the phone he was." And Robert looks away. "Thought you'd have snuck into his bed again by now, got your way back in considering -"

"What? I'm not a dad after all?" Robert hisses. "Doesn't work that way actually." He says, and it _hurts_ because it should. "I wish, I wish it did." He whispers and she hears him.

"Think he does n'all." She says, and then she frowns. "Funnily enough so do I." She tells him and he's shocked, but maybe, maybe her hearing that he agreed with Aaron about them not being able to get back together somehow made him better in her eyes.

He doesn't know, but then she's getting Marlon to give him a mince pie and he flickers out a thank you and she's giving him this 'there there' look as he eats it alone in the corner of the pub.

"Reckon me and my son have some weird gene thing where it's hard to hate you for too long." She's saying, coming over to sit across from him as he stares at his empty plate vacantly and craves a drink. "Oi." She says and he raises his head. "You're getting an orange juice and then I'm calling Aaron."

And he doesn't want to see him.

"No don't do that, I'm not his problem, we're not -"

"He's a mate isn't he?"

And no, no he's fucking not.

But he nods anyway, "I'll see him later then." He tells her and then he's hearing Last Christmas play out and he just -

He wants Christmas over and done with already really.

::

_{ Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree_

_Won't be the same dear, if you're not here with me. }_

** 17th December: **

 

Bob's great normally, like one of the only saddos in the village who doesn't get on Robert's nerves.

But boy is he now, he's got tinsel round his neck and he's dancing with Brenda in the middle of the cafe and _yikes_ Robert just wants a coffee.

He's trying to sit as far away from the speakers as possible because apparently Have A Holly Jolly Christmas is the best thing since slice bread and Bob can't help but keep playing it.

The door clicks open and Aaron walks in, winces at how loud the music is and then Bob's actually doing his job and getting Aaron a coffee.

It's weird seeing him really, because the last time they were together they were acting like horny teenagers and rolling around in bed and _missing_ each other and _remembering_ things about where to touch and where to kiss and now -

"Thought you'd have the cinnamon shit coffee?" Aaron's suddenly over him, eyes soft and Robert just looks up slowly. He's decided that he has to at least try and be mates, be this side figure for Aaron until he can't anymore. Because it beats having no one, it always will.

"What?" Robert's asking and Aaron sits down opposite him slowly and frowning.

"The festive coffee Bob practically only makes for you." Aaron's reminding him and then he's looking worried. "Are you okay?" He's asking, and Robert clears his throat and sits up a little straighter, nods his head.

"Fine." He lies and then he's gulping hard. "Just thinking about stuff." He says, voice hollow.

Aaron bites his lip, "I think I - Robert I'm sorry for the other night." The other night, the _sex_. Robert lifts his head up and Aaron clears his throat. "I wasn't thinking straight and - and you were there and -"

"It's forgotten." Robert lies, "It won't happen again either." He tells himself, and Aaron runs a hand through his hair, doesn't reply really.

And Robert wants him to, because he feels like his on a piece of rope and Aaron's controlling it, he could tug too hard and Robert could fall at any given minute.

And Robert's just letting it be the case.

 

::

****

** 18th December 2017: **

 

Robert has a hand dug straight in his pocket and he sights Liv walking towards him with a smile on her face.

It makes him frown.

"What's up with your face?" He's asking, standing in the middle of the street as she looks at him.

"Charming." She says flatly before looking smug. "You going to tell me what's happened with you and my brother?"

And apart from sex, nothing.

"Don't know what you mean." Robert sort of lies and she sort of looks annoyed.

"I'm not a kid. Just tell me are you back on or not?"

And not is the answer but he can't seem to get his words out and then Aaron's appearing out of nowhere.

"Liv, bus stop is that way." He tells her before she's stalking off and he's looking embarrassed. "Sorry about her, she put two and two together and made nine." He says dramatically.

And Robert feels all odd, "She seemed to think that we - we were together again." He says and Aaron looks away.

"Like I said, she -"

But there's something weird in the air and Robert moves towards Aaron, calls his name but doesn't get a reply.

"She's just a kid alright? We're done, and we don't have - have _feelings_ for each other like that anymore anyway."

Not like _that_ , Aaron's trying to say but it makes Robert go cold.

Because yeah that's not true, because they both agreed that they'd _always_ will have feelings for each other and -

"Why are you lying?" Robert asks and Aaron looks caught off guard.

So he goes and Robert feels something hollow hit his chest.

 

::

 

And it only gets worse later on.

Because Aaron looks set to prove that what happened didn't really happen, didn't really mean a damn thing.

And maybe Robert isn't supposed to know, maybe he walks into the pub at the wrong time but Aaron's drunk and he's obviously called Alex who is a wet mop and can't help but show his good looking face again.

Aaron isn't falling over drunk, just talkative and the second he sights Robert everything in his expression changes.

He looks like he wants to be sick and Robert turns around, leaves, decides he doesn't need this.

But the lights outside are too bright, the Christmas decorations are everywhere and it makes him wince.

Before Aaron's there, and he's wiping sick from his mouth and he's looking awful.

"We shouldn't have done it." Aaron's shuddering. "Because - because we're supposed to be mates, I'm sorry."

And he's sorry, he's _sorry_ and Robert can't leave him.

So he rubs at his back as they sit outside the pub and Aaron catches his breath back.

"Mates. Just - we're just mates." He says over and over again. "Because I don't feel like I used to, I don't _love_ you like that. I don't."

And it's a mantra, and it shouldn't break Robert because he knows all of this.

But he finds himself seeing Blue Christmas to himself anyway, knowing that he'll be alone, without Aaron this year and it won't be the same.

Nothing will.

 

::

 

**19th December 2017: **

 

Aaron's saying sorry a lot.

That's all Robert can hear as he listens to the messages on his phone and he thinks about last night and how much it hurt to hear him speak like that.

He kept saying they were mates and nothing more and Robert doesn't want that, deep down he wants it all or nothing.

He's so scared of nothing though.

 

::

 

"Robert?" Aaron's calling his name and Robert can't ignore him, he's in the shop, peering over some mince pies and trying to keep his head down.

Aaron comes in front of him and Robert gulps, he looks pale, hungover basically. "I left ya some - some messages last night and I shouldn't have been so -"

"Drunk?" Robert's saying, his eyes soft as he speaks because he can't be mad at Aaron when he's like this.

Aaron's face turns red. "I was off my face." He says, "I'm sorry."

Robert gulps, "You said things." He bows his head and shudders as he remembers what Aaron was going on about, he said he didn't love him like he did before, that they were mates and nothing else and -

It hurt, it really did.

Aaron clears his throat. "It's best if we just forget it."

And yeah, Robert's been forced to forget a lot of things recently.

 

::

 

He hears arguing from the toilets at Bob's and frowns harshly because it's at _Bob's_ and there's hardly any drama there.

He hears _Aaron's_ voice and he's practically hissing at someone, it makes something bubble in Robert's chest before he's opening the door and peering through.

It's Rebecca he sees, and the baby is in the pram and she's arguing with Aaron about something which looks long overdue.

" - stay away from him!" Aaron's saying, face red and puffy suddenly and Rebecca just frowns in his direction.

"Oh I get it, you're his husband again now that he's not Liam's father." And Robert winces as he hears the word, "Is he all desirable again then."

And Aaron explodes. "Yeah! Because he isn't saddled with you or that kid."

Robert steps forward and the door swings open, and Aaron looks like a monster standing there.

But at least he's told the truth.

It all boils down to the fact that Aaron, he'd still be ignoring him if he was a dad by now, they wouldn't be having sex and coffee and calling each other _mate_.

"Robert." Aaron's saying, but Robert just shakes his head and charges towards the door.

"I can't do this." Robert says, and Aaron tries to hold onto his arm. "Just let me go."

And it suddenly means so much more than he wants it to.

But the shock is on Aaron's face and it is heartbreaking.

So Robert doesn't stay around to see it.

 

::

 

Vic's at home, and for once, he's thankful because he wants a drink.

He wants to forget but he can't because she corners him and stops baking gingerbread men or whatever and they're on the sofa talking before Robert can refuse.

He keeps staring at the Christmas tree in the corner of the room, at the cards which hang from the ceiling on a piece of straw.

"You going to tell me what's up?" She's asking.

Aaron.

He had sex with Aaron and then Aaron was telling him they couldn't be together and he was fucking agreeing like an idiot, an idiot who wants Aaron happy more than anything else in the world.

"Me and Aaron slept together." Robert gets out, and Vic doesn't even look shocked, she almost looks happy and he has to shake his head. "And it didn't fix anything."

Vic gulps hard, "Give it time and it -"

"The kid's not mine, I don't ever have to speak to her again, but _still_ we're broken. And he's got so much anger for her, for the baby and - and I don't want him to be saddle with all of this. I don't want him to care about me." And the confession is almost heartbreaking but true, he doesn't want Aaron to carry this heavy love around with him, this concern and worry.

He wants Aaron to be fucking free of it all.

"You can't change that." She's saying sadly, has a hand through his hair. "This is Aaron we're talking about."

And yeah it's Aaron, who deserves a normal flipping love life, not this.

"I can." He says, boldly, out of nowhere almost.

Vic frowns at him, wants him to carry on and he gulps.

"I have to leave. For good." And Vic is there to say he doesn't, to call him stupid. "I do Vic, I don't want this anymore. I can't be here and see him grow up and - and play this game with Aaron where we still care about each other too much to be mates. It's going to kill me."

Vic suddenly has tears in her eyes, "Where will you go? Your family is _here_."

And that's true, he knows that.

"Anywhere." He admits, "Just _away_." He whispers, "Because this isn't working."

And Robert hates the way Vic cries.

 

::

 

"Vic says you're going?" And Adam's by the door, almost looks sad and it unnerves Robert.

"Don't cry too much." Robert says, packs his bag as he speaks.

"It won't be me who's crying." Adam tells him and Robert doesn't need to take long to understand who he means.

It makes him freeze, clear his throat. "He'll be just fine. I'm the problem and - and I'm going."

"For him?" Adam asks, comes further into the room. "Rob, he wants you to be mates."

Robert lifts his head up, "Yeah? And I can't do that." He snaps, "And I can't see _Liam_ and I can't spend Christmas _here_ when I should be at the Mill with my family!" And it's all pouring out, over and over again as he stands there.

Adam looks guilty, looks like he wants to apologise but Robert waves a hand out and a silence draws between them.

"At least go and tell him. Let him know."

And yeah, Robert's dreading that.

 

::

 

His bags are packed, and Diane comes round and tries convincing him to stay for Christmas at least, because she doesn't know that _that_ is the very problem itself.

Christmas.

Not with them.

"I have to leave." Robert tells her, clears his throat. "I'm going down to London, I've got a mate down there who needs help with his restaurant, I can stay there until New Years and - then look for something more permanent."

Diane tuts, wants to say more but doesn't as she hugs him.

And he tells her there's someone he has to say goodbye to before he goes, and he pales at the thought of what Aaron will say, or do.

He's still thinking about it as he stands by the door of the Mill and the sight makes his insides melt.

Aaron's got this awful Christmas jumper on, and he's battling with a box of tinsel, struggling to get towards Liv who has a grin on her face.

The Christmas tree is up, but it's bare and he thinks about them decorating it.

He thinks and thinks and he wants to cry because -

He should be there.

 

::

 

_{ You'll be doin' all right, with your Christmas of white_

_But I'll have a blue, blue blue blue Christmas. }_

 

::

 

For a second, everything is quiet and then Aaron's at the door and he's looking all wide eyed and confused.

"Robert." Aaron says, plays with his jumper awkwardly. "I was - I was going to come round and - and apologise for Rebecca and you know what I said."

And Robert doesn't even care about that now.

"Do you want to come -"

"I can't stop Aaron." Robert's saying, hates himself for dragging Aaron back down again like this, knows it'll be the last time though.

Aaron frowns, steps a little further outside. "Why not?" He's asking and then he's eyes are looking down to the bags Robert's holding. "You're not -"

"I'm going away, for good Aaron and I had to say goodbye." Robert gulps, something so heavy resting in his chest and Aaron's eyes widen.

"No." Aaron's saying, "You can't just _go_." He's almost panicking now and Robert hates himself for causing it, "You can't be on your own, I won't let you." And there's all this passion in him suddenly.

Robert drops his head, "I can't stay here." He whispers.

"Mate please -"

"And I can't be your _mate_ Aaron. We can't do that, we can't be those people because I fucking _love_ you too much." Robert says, frustrated, eyes filling with tears.

Aaron shudders, his eyes flickering as he stands by the door. "So don't go then." He's saying, "If that's how you feel then - then how can you leave me?"

And it's a good point, but Robert knows why.

"You've only just put your Christmas tree up Aaron." He whispers, "Because you've been thinking about me and the _state_ I'm in." Robert feels the cold air hit him hard. "And I'm sick of holding you back. I'm a mess but you shouldn't have to be too Aaron. It's okay to let me go."

"Let you go?" Aaron's voice cracks, and he comes further towards Robert.

"You let me go before, and if Liam was mine then - then I wouldn't be standing here right now. You'd still be hating me." Robert tells him, "And I can't stop thinking about that, about how broken we are."

Aaron gulps hard, "And going? It's going to do what?"

Robert shudders, "It beats waking up here on Christmas morning without you." He says, "Because you don't want me, and it _hurts_ Aaron, because I just want it to be easy again but it can't be."

And Aaron blows out a breath, and he's suddenly cold.

"Fine." Aaron says, and Robert doesn't expect it. "You go, you leave because obviously I can't stand the sight of ya -"

"Aaron -"

"Thank you." Aaron says, tears in his eyes, "Thanks for doing me favour then, because I've already wasted so much of my life on you haven't I?" He says, chest puffing up and down. "And you weren't worth it in the end."

And he's doing it on purpose, he has to be.

"It's for the best." Robert winces, gulps hard as he stands there. "You can't want me around but not _want_ me Aaron!"

"I know!" Aaron practically shouts back and Liv's suddenly at the door, "Go inside." He tells her and she looks worried, like she doesn't want to but then she goes anyway, all reluctant mind. "I don't know what I want." Aaron admits, chin wobbling.

Robert feels something punch his gut, "Then I'll make it easy for you." He says, and Aaron's eyes water.

"Easy." He whispers. "Because you always know what's best for me don't you? Because you can't _help_ but fucking control every single thing in your fucked up life. So just go."

And Robert has tears in his eyes.

"And I promise I won't miss you."

Aaron's words are meant to hurt, he gets that, but the impact staggers him back and before he knows it, he's hands are coming towards his finger and he's pulling the ring of his finger, feels the cold air hit the vacant area and he feels sick.

Aaron lets out a shaky breath as he watches Robert and then he's feeling the band in his hand as Robert gives it to him.

"Sell it." Robert says, voice hollow. "And have a good Christmas Aaron." He whispers, "Fuck." He cries as he goes to turn away and then Aaron's calling his name, and he thinks he's going to say something which will make him stay after all and he doesn't want to hear it.

"Wait!"

But he can't, and it's better this way.

He tries to convince himself of that as snow starts to fall and he remembers a dream he had about it happening.

Everything was light then.

 

::

 

The snow is heavy, and maybe Robert shouldn't have left.

That's what he's thinking as he replays the conversation he had with Aaron before he left, all those empty words and that shouting and the way it hurt so much.

He tells himself that he can't go back now, despite the snow blowing in front of his mirrors, or the way his chest feels heavy with this _need_ to turn around.

Robert flicks on the radio, is met with Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas and can't help the way he feels like crying.

He's thinking of Liam suddenly, and what he could have had this year.

And of Aaron and what he had to give up.

It makes something almost die in his heart, this denial of happiness, of danger, of loving Aaron with everything he had again and daring to try again.

Aaron can't do that, Aaron won't risk the heartache and Robert can't blame him and that's why he's _here_ , leaving before it gets too hard.

The sound of his phone ringing makes Robert look towards it, he sees Aaron's name and presses hard on the breaks but he shouldn't, because the roads are fucking slippery and it's dark outside now.

He shouldn't answer the phone, but does.

"Aaron, I'm -"

"Stop the car." Aaron's panting, and Robert frowns as he hears him. "Alright, just turn around and let me tell you how I feel okay?" And Robert can't breathe. "I should have before but I was scared and - now you're gone and it's worse, it's worse without you and -"

Robert hears the sound of a road, wonders if Aaron's followed him and then he catches sight of him in the mirror, he sees Aaron, he sees his stupid Aaron in his hoodie fighting a fucking snowstorm and trying to catch up to the car.

He just stares at him, "You idiot." Robert says, tears in his eyes and then he hears -

"Robert look out!"

And he's slamming straight into something, feeling himself lose control of the wheel because he wasn't looking straight ahead, he was looking behind him and -

He's sliding down a path, wincing at the impact and hitting his head harder than he can take.

 

::

 

 

** 20th December 2017: **

 

"Rob?" Aaron's voice is the only thing Robert can hear, it's freezing and there's still snow everywhere, it's still falling from the sky and Robert tries to look up but he can't.

He's trapped in the car, head _bleeding_ and his mouth shuddering from the cold.

"Rob, it's okay." But Aaron's still there, because Aaron ran after him, because Aaron didn't want him to go. "The ambulance are coming, they're just - they're trying to get down the round okay but the snow is -"

Robert watches Aaron try to lean into the car, try to pull him free but it's too hard.

"Cold." Robert whispers, and Aaron's pulling off his hoodie, pushing himself as far into the car as he can and he's throwing it over Robert.

"Keep your eyes on me." Aaron says, chin wobbling. "Fuck I shouldn't have let you go because then I wouldn't have distracted ya and, I'm sorry." And Robert struggles against the pain, tries to pull his hand towards Aaron's and then the younger man is holding on, "I needed to tell you everything." He says shakily.

"Do it now." Robert says, eyes flickering. "I promise I won't run." And Aaron laughs just a little nervously before kissing Robert's hand.

"The truth is Robert Sugden, I'm in love with you and it's terrifying." Aaron whispers, "That's why I wanted to be mates, because - because I didn't want to mess it up but I didn't want to lose you either."

Robert feels his heart melt down into something. "You couldn't lose me, not really."

"I tried telling myself I didn't want you back, that it was too late, but I was with Liv, decorating the tree and you were missing." Aaron gulps, he's obviously freezing and he blows out a breath, "You'll always be missing if - if you leave me."

And Robert feels light headed, even _more_ light headed than before and he's got this small smile on his face. "You love me?"

Aaron nods, "Yes you prat, I love you." He whispers, "And you're going to get out of here and come home."

"Home." Robert says, "Don't deserve it." He's shaking his head and Aaron's nodding his.

"Yes you do, we - we _both_ deserve each other." He says, "Because we're pretty rubbish any other way aren't we?" He's shuddering and Robert winces, feels blood dripping down onto his shirt and he closes his eyes for a second.

"Love you Aaron, love you, love you." He mumbles and then he's hearing Aaron say it back and it's too much for him to bare, because he's almost slipping away and he hates the world.

"I _love_ you. So don't - don't do this to me." Aaron's saying, eyes wet with tears.

And Robert feels his eyes growing heavier.

"No, keep your eyes _open_ okay? Don't be daft, don't leave me like this." Aaron's telling him, "We've got years, me and you, _years_ to have together, to have a _family_." And it's so unlike Aaron to be this open, it makes Robert feel like he doesn't deserve it. He tries to open his eyes and then he's seeing Aaron turning around and shouting, "Over here." before looking back at Robert, "They're here Rob, they're here so - so just hold on okay?"

And he will, because Aaron's there and he's holding his hand and when they're asking who he is, he's saying.

"I'm his husband." He says, and Robert, he'll hold on.

****

 

** 22nd December 2017: **

 

He hears Liv near his bed and she's crying, "Why won't he just wake up?" She's asking and Robert can sense Aaron in the room too.

"He will, it's just - he's got pneumonia and -" Aaron doesn't finish off his sentence, pauses for what feels like years and then he's shuddering. "What if I hadn't gone after him?" He's saying suddenly, "He wouldn't be in here right now would he?"

Liv shudders. "You can't think like that."

"Why not?" Aaron's voice is soft, "I wasted so much time, when I loved him, when I knew that we could be a family again and I let - I let _fear_ stop it."

Liv moves towards him, he can hear a chair scrape against the floor and then she's hugging him. "It's okay, he knows doesn't he?"

"I told him, I told him but - but what if it's too late?"

The question hangs in the air and Robert can hear Vic's voice suddenly. "You can head off if you like, you've been here for days." She's saying but Aaron's refusing.

"No I need to be here when he wakes up." He's telling her. "Because he needs to come home with us for Christmas." And his voice breaks.

Vic shudders out a breath. "That'll mean the world to him." She's saying and then Robert can't hear anything else for a while until Aaron's close to him and he's holding his hand tightly.

"Got your present for Christmas you know." Aaron whispers, "Months ago, some geeky comic thing and I wanted to walk by but I couldn't. I told myself, it'll be better by Christmas, I'll love you less and I could give it to you without feeling anything sad."

Aaron sniffs and then he's sighing hard.

"Turns out, sort of love you more you idiot." He says, and then he's struggling. "Sorry I - I just need you to wake up. I need you to be with me on Christmas Day, do the cooking and all that, let me annoy you with Christmas films all day. I need ya to let me show you what a family we can be if we try."

Aaron shudders, and then he's pressing his forehead against Robert's. "So let's try okay? Please - _please_ let's just try."

And Robert's squeezing his hand, coming back to him and the way Aaron throws his whole weight into Robert's frame, it takes his breath away.

 

::

 

Aaron's got a fucking grin on his face, all big and bright and Robert just keeps holding his hand.

"You scared me." Aaron tells him, strokes his face delicately and then he's looking towards the door and Liv is standing there with Chas behind her.

Chas, who looks so relived it hurts.

"Blimey, he's awake then." Chas says and Liv is by his side, she's messing up his hair and he can tell she's overwhelmed.

"Promise, I'm not going anywhere again." He croaks out, slowly looks towards Aaron. "Don't think he'll let me." He says and Aaron just bites his lip.

Chas looks over at him and then back at Robert and Liv. "Home in time for Christmas I hope." She says and Robert frowns at her. "It's about time you had a mistletoe smooch I reckon."

And Liv pulls a face. "Gross." She says and then Aaron's looking all serious.

"Do you mean that?" He's asking and she nods.

"Don't think I've ever seen you look so relieved." She's telling him, "And you're obviously never going to stop loving each other so -" she smiles. "Yeah, I'm sure darling.

And maybe everything is going to be just fine.

 

::

 

Vic's gone home, after crying with joy about walking in on her brother and Aaron holding hands.

It made Robert nearly cry too.

It's almost dark now and Aaron shouldn't really still be here but he is and Robert's got morphine being pumped into him because he cracked two ribs apparently, and he's got a gash on his forehead.

He feels out of it a little, almost drunk as Aaron just sits there and stares at him.

"Ran all the way for me didn't you?" Robert's saying, voice all slow and dragged out. It makes Aaron laugh and then he's kissing Robert's hand. "My brilliant Aaron." He gasps a little and his eyes widen. " _Mine_."

And Aaron gulps. "Yours." He says.

Robert frowns, "Hated Christmas before you - and - and after you. But now we can have it _together_ , can't we?" He says, voice still so slow as Aaron nods his head. "Because you don't hate me and you love me."

"Never hated you." Aaron tells him, kisses Robert's forehead and then Robert's holding him by the arm. "Had a dream you know - _ages_ ago. We were at home and it was Christmas Day and there were kids running around the table, and you were putting a train set together and I was watching ya." Robert blurts out, and Aaron slowly sits down like he can't stop thinking about it.

"Sounds perfect." Aaron says, almost choked up a little and then Robert's closing his eyes.

 

::

****

** 23rd Decemeber 2017: **

 

"Can he go home then?" Aaron's asking, the nurse in the room has a soft smile on her face and looks a little unsure.

"It depends, is he going to have someone to look after him?" She teases and Robert smiles, she's not seen Aaron leave the room for days.

"Don't think he'll let me escape." Robert says and Aaron hits him softly on the arm.

"As long as he isn't out in the snow and gets plenty of rest then it should be possible." She's telling them and Aaron looks like he can't contain his relief.

"Thank you." He's saying and Robert loves him so much.

"Oi." Robert says as the nurse leaves the room, Aaron turns towards him and smiles. "Am I all you want for Christmas then Mr Sugden?"

And Aaron rolls his eyes, shakes his head. "Something like that." He allow, and he really is on cloud nine because the way he smiles before he kisses Robert is almost dazzling.

 

::

 

Robert's ready to go, just waiting for the doctor to come round and let him sign the papers.

But he's quiet and he's overthinking and it's not ideal.

"Oi." Aaron says, sits with him on the bed. "You look pale, are - are you okay?"

Robert gulps, decides to be honest. "What if it doesn't work?" He's saying, "What if we go back to how it was before?"

When you used to cry, when I made you cry, when it all went wrong.

Aaron doesn't say anything for a while, just sits next to him. "Do you love me?" He's asking and Robert's head is nodding. "Good." He says, and he's pulling their hands together. "We'll be awful, you know we will, we'll drive each other absolutely mad but - we'll still love each other and not a lot of people can say that."

And Robert agrees, presses his face against Aaron's cheek and kisses it.

"At least we tried." Aaron tells him, answers Robert's question. "And we didn't spend the rest of our lives wondering 'what if?'"

"And you - you forgive me for everything?" Because Robert needs to know.

Aaron nods his head and then bites his lip. "I did a long time ago, and - you're all I need Rob, without ya I'm - I'm not the same."

And Robert can relate to that, presses a hand against Aaron's chest. "I can't believe you're taking me back." He says, a frown on his face.

Aaron gives him a look and then he's kissing him hard, and making Robert have to catch his breath, "Better start then hadn't ya?" And everything else falls away.

 

::

****

** 25th December 2017: **

 

Robert opens his eyes slowly, has a hand over his chest and he knows it's Aaron's. His leg is over Robert's too, his other arm firm around Robert's waist and his face pressed into the older man's neck.

Robert bites at his lip and slowly looks down towards Aaron, kisses his head in an attempt to stir him awake a little and then he's looking outside and watching the snood fall down and land against the window seal.

It makes side thing flutter in his heart.

He thinks of how quiet everything has been since he came home, since he was moving back into the Mill and Aaron was acting like he's worried nurse and -

Rebecca was leaving.

She left the day he came back and he watched her go.

She was sorry, and she was tired and she needed a fresh start and Ross just had to understand apparently.

He didn't even kick up too much of a fuss about it.

Robert's gulps hard as he hears Aaron let out a little moan and then pull his hands up high, nearly hits Robert in the face as he stretches.

"Merry Christmas to you too then." Robert says flatly and then Aaron's widening his eyes and apologising, kissing at Robert's face and then they're getting carried away. And Robert has to whisper: "Two broken ribs." And Aaron's jumping off him.

"Shit sorry." Aaron says, and Robert frowns.

"You apologising for kissing me? Never." He says, kissing Aaron harder and then Aaron's falling on top of him delicately and -

There's a knock on the door, "Oi, lovebirds, can you snog each other's faces off later on? I've got presents that need opening."

And something tingles through Robert as he feels Aaron give him one last kiss before climbing off and going towards the door.

 

::

 

He's hardly fit to cook a Christmas dinner and he tells Aaron just as much.

"You're saying we have no where else to go Mr. _Dingle_?" He's saying, sits on the kitchen chair and watches Aaron frown at him.

They've had the whole morning together and it's been soft, it's been everything Robert wanted it to be but now Aaron's all panicky about everything being _perfect_.

"It's our first Christmas in our home." Aaron says, like it's obvious. "I just want a quiet one, with you and Liv."

And Robert warms, dissolves into this puddle of goo and gets it.

"I'll start peeling the spuds then and -" he looks towards Liv who's spread out on the sofa, admiring her new phone case and whatever else Aaron got her. "You can help."

Robert looks back towards Aaron and watches the younger man wink his way.

It still makes something bubble up inside of him.

 

::

 

"Yeah, merry Christmas." Aaron's saying on the phone, and Robert watches him, has a hand on the remote and Liv laying next to him. "Yeah, mum, we're fine. We're more than fine."

Robert feels something burst through him and he bites down on his lip, when he looks up Liv is looking at him.

"I'm glad you're here." She tells him, "Have I said that yet?"

And he shakes his head, welcomes it all from her because he doesn't want her to feel like she has no say in what comes next.

"You know, me and Aaron - if you weren't comfortable with me being here then -"

"If you want me to tell you it wasn't the same without you and that I actually missed having you around then -" Liv gulps hard. "I won't." She says, smiles a little and then Robert's coming closer towards her, kissing at her head and then flicking the channel.

There's yet another Christmas film on and he doesn't wince, welcomes watching it because Christmas isn't all that bad when you've got people to share it with.

And God he sounds like a prat.

(Doesn't even care.)

 

::

 

Surprisingly nothing is burnt and Aaron looks proud of himself for having taking the reigns and dealt with the turkey all by himself.

Robert thinks back to the mayhem last year and smiles at how much more intimate it is now, he knows that they'll all probably go over to Zak and Lisa's for New Years but right now, it's them three, in their home, Robert has a _home_ and it's just right.

"Pretty decent this." Robert tells Aaron across the table, and then they're playing footsie and pulling crackers and just generally being disgusting and in love and Liv keeps groaning playfully.

"Can you put your hat on please?" Aaron's asking Robert, and he resits until Liv's pushing on the yellow hat and he feels finally like he's at home.

Like he's got a family.

"Still look sexy Sugden." Aaron winks and it's the mulled wine which makes him so merry and giddy and the fact that Robert knows how to make snowballs after taking the recipe from Lisa's last year.

Liv nearly spits out her drink and Aaron turns red.

"I'm a little bit -"

"Happy." Robert says, leans across the table. "It looks good on you, trust me."

And the way Aaron smiles says it all.

 

::

 

_{ Through the years_

_We all will be together,_

_If the Fates allow. }_

 

::

 

Aaron's more than a little tipsy by the time they're watching It's A Wonderful Life, they've got a tin of chocolates between them and Aaron's hands are falling over Robert's chest.

"Best day." He mumbles and Robert can't help but agree. "Can't believe they all actually stayed away like I asked."

And Robert raises an eyebrow, "You asked them to -"

Aaron looks almost embarrassed and Robert can't help but find it endearing. "I wanted it to be me and you and Liv. Just for once."

Just for once, just us.

"And I know you'd want that." He says, "After everything." And it's mad, how Aaron knows exactly what Robert wants, what he needs.

"You did it for me?" He's asking, all soft, all grateful and Aaron nods readily, makes Robert laugh because yeah he's _drunk_.

"Shit." Aaron says quickly, and he's disappearing into the cupboard, passing Liv who's on the phone to Gabby near the stairs. He comes back in the room and nearly trips on the Christmas lights which are hung by the fireplace and slither down.

"Forgot about your present." Aaron fumbles out, and he's wrapped it awfully, but Robert thinks it's amazing as he holds it in his hands and rips it apart, looks inside and smiles warmly.

It's not just some geeky little comic or whatever Aaron thinks, it's a special edition version of the shit Robert goes on about all the time.

"Is it the wrong one?" Aaron's asking, eyes wide, looks all worried as he starts biting his nails.

Robert shudders, shakes his head and then he's kissing Aaron hard on the lips. "It's amazing, you - how did you even -" and Aaron just shrugs, because of course he just knew and Robert can't get over how lucky he is.

Aaron gulps as he pulls away and then he's sliding something out of his pocket, it's a ring box and it's Robert's. "Here." He whispers and he's got his forehead pressed against Robert's. "It's your ring." He says, "And I stole mine off you too, to get this done."

And this, is the word 'Always' inscribed.

Robert tuts, eyes watering. "Aaron -" he whispers, and Aaron smiles at him. "I love you, I don't even deserve -"

But Aaron's sliding his ring on, sliding Robert's on too and everything is okay again.

"Didn't get you a thing." Robert says guiltily, but then he's feeling something dig into his back and he pulls out a piece of mistletoe. "Could always give you this though." And he dives in for another kiss, the mistletoe in his hand rising above them as Aaron's hands fall around his neck and through his hair.

Aaron pulls away and laughs. "You really do think I'm a dirty little grease monkey don't ya?" He smiles and then Robert's ploughing through more mince pies, and Liv comes back down the stairs when she wants to, and they all lay there watching a film, Robert watching Aaron.

And he thinks about them having this for years and years.

(Crosses his fingers)

 

::

 

** 25th December 2022:**

 

Robert has a hand over Aaron's chest, breathes out steadily and then he's feeling someone in the room.

His eyes pull open gently and then he's hearing whispering by the door, Aaron's soft breathing and the sound of something hitting against the window.

"They're _sleeping_." Robert hears a small voice say. "We have to wait."

" _Wait_?" Another voice says. "We can't _wait_ Annie."

And then before Robert can try and stop it, there's a large thump on the bed and Aaron's groaning as their son puts his full weight behind crash landing in between them.

Aaron shoots up in bed, frowns harsh and looks dazed until Annie's looking all worried by the edge of the bed and he's smiling.

"I'm alright baby." He croaks out, and then he's pulling Annie up on the bed and kissing her gently.

Robert looks over at her, watches his little girl try to take the hair out of her face and pats at his thigh. She shuffles over to him and he's plaiting her hair delicately as Jacob keeps bouncing up and down on the bed.

Robert rubs at his eyes and then he smiles. "Jacob -" he's starting to say but then his little boy is just shaking his head.

"It's _Christmas_ Day!" Jacob's full of all this energy which Robert can't blame on too much chocolate. He's buzzing, full of happiness as his brown curly hair grows wilder and he's _Aaron_.

He's so much like him, reminds Robert of the little boy Aaron used to be and Chas says exactly the same.

Robert's suddenly hit with a memory of when they discussed having kids in the first place and how Aaron wanted just this, a happy home.

( _"I've wanted to start a family for ages." Aaron admitted one night, moon high and sky velvet._

_"Then why didn't you -"_

_"Liam." Aaron whispered, "I know you still think about what could have been, if he had been yours."_

_Robert looked away because he couldn't lie, he couldn't stop the way he thought about the little boy sometimes and felt like he'd missed out on a child that wasn't even his in the first place._

_"It doesn't mean I don't want kids with you." Robert's eyes flickered. "Aaron, of course I'd want that."_

_And Aaron's smile was dazzling._ )

Aaron laughs, "I think we're aware of that mate." He says, and then he's playfully gasping as he looks towards the window. "It's _snowing_!" He's saying, and he's brilliant with the kids, always is, especially on days like today.

Because he's a big kid himself, that's why he's picking Annie up on his shoulders and opening the window for Jacob to reach his hand out and touch the falling snow.

Robert watches them from the bed, pulls the covers up from him and sits up. Something warm spreads across his chest as he remembers Jacob being bought home all those years ago.

He was so beautiful, a mass of hair, curly, reminding him of -

It made it hard at first, because he'd look at Jacob and think of Liam and it made him distant and scared for so long.

And then Aaron made it better, he was soft and gentle and he said:

He loves you, he loves his daddy, so don't be scared.

And it made everything seem a little lighter all of sudden, and Robert was able to look into Jacob's blue eyes and thick lashes and just _love_ him unconditionally.

"Shall we go see if Santa's left you any presents?" Aaron's saying, and Annie claps her hands together, let's out this toothy grin. Aaron looks over towards Robert. "You coming then daddy giant?"

And Annie looks at him with big pleading eyes, all green and soft and beautiful.

He smiles, and then he's thinking about the nickname which all started because of Jacob. He was young, about two and he had this fascination with how tall Robert was. He'd climb up him like he was a flipping tree and call him giant until it stuck and Annie was calling Robert exactly the same name.

Robert nods slowly and Annie pulls off of Aaron's shoulders, comes towards Robert and holds his hands as he comes off the bed.

She always holds his hand, always is so concerned and worried and she's only three years old.

She has all of Aaron's compassion, all of Robert's freckles.

"Let's go daddy." She says, soft voice and soft eyes and he kisses her head before he's coming down the stairs with her, holding his daughter on his waist and waiting Jacob to bolt towards him.

It takes seconds for Jacob to be down the stairs, jumping up and down and up and down like a bouncy flipping ball and then Aaron's letting him loose on the presents and Annie's toddling behind him.

And yeah, they've over done it again this year when they shouldn't have.

There's two bikes right by the Christmas tree, a purple and green one and Jacob just loses his damn shit.

"You got our bikes!" Jacob squeals and then Annie's running towards the bike and stroking it softly before landing on a pile of gifts and pulling open a doll of hers.

Robert looks over at Aaron, smiles softly and then he's sitting with Annie, letting her sit right on his lap as she plays with her doll and he helps her put together a small pram.

"Do you like your doll darling?" Robert whispers, and she nods slowly, and then wider and wider and she hugs the doll hard, makes her father laugh. "Good then." He says and then he's looking over at Aaron who's trying to deal with Jacob.

He's got his adorable little train dressing gown on and he pushes a hand through his curly hair, bites his lip the way Aaron does and then he's carefully watching his father put together a train track.

"How long do you reckon it'll take until it's broken?" Aaron asks Robert, over the noise of Jacob playing with the wrapping paper like a mad man.

Robert laughs, pulls a face. "Until your mum and Vic come round? So about two hours?"

Jacob's eyes widen. "I'll never ever break it!" He says, all indignantly and Aaron just nods his head.

"Whatever you say mate." He says before Jacob's breaking open another toy car and Annie's shuffling towards another present and pulling at the purple wrapping paper.

"This is the best ever." Jacob says, jumps up and then he's doing that wild thing again where he just launches himself on Aaron without any single warning.

And Aaron's groaning again, making Robert laugh.

"Jakey, be gentle with daddy fluffy, he's getting old."

And Aaron just shakes his head, chucks a cushion at his husband and everything just feels perfect.

 

::

 

The door goes and Robert hears Chas before he sees her, she's bought about a million presents with her and Annie and Jacob clamber to her frame.

"Merry Christmas babies." She says, all excited and giddy like usual and she literally won't let the kids go until Aaron's clearing his throat and she's letting them wriggle away.

"Merry Christmas." Aaron says, lets out a yawn as he speaks and Chas laughs.

"Blimey it's only just gone twelve."

Robert rises to his feet, hugs her and then pulls away. "Yeah well, we've been up for _hours_." He says, and he stretches his hand over his face.

Chas pulls a face and then the door goes again, it's Vic and Adam and he only adds to the whole Big Kid Dads theme which is going on.

He's wearing a hat and clapping his hands together and Vic groans.

"He's got Mason all energised and he will _not_ be sleeping tonight." Vic lets everyone know and then Robert smiles.

"Yeah well, brace yourself." He says, looks towards Jacob who practically idolises his older cousin and pulls him towards his bike.

"Ah, what did daddy giant say about the bikes?" Aaron's saying, voice all firm as Adam tries not to laugh at his best mate. Jacob's got a grin on his face and he's so cheeky it's unreal. He just shrugs his shoulders and Aaron's eyes widen. "Not in the house." He says and Jacob's rolling his eyes, making everyone laugh.

"He's _so_ cheeky." Aaron says and Chas has a hand on his shoulder.

"Hmm ... wonder where he gets that from then?"

And yeah, she's got a fair point.

 

::

 

_{ Oh, all the lights are shining so brightly everywhere_

_And the sound of children's laughter fills the air. }_

 

::

 

The kids go crazy with all the presents, manage to make mild mannered and sensible little Mason turn into Usain Bolt as he flies around the room and basically switches from a mini Victoria to a mini Adam.

They're running around the table, all of them and Vic is in the kitchen with Diane and Chas.

Adam's on the floor with Aaron and they're putting together some lego thing of Jacob's, laughing at how to fit it correctly and Robert just watches it all go by.

He wants to pinch himself really, but then Aaron's looming over him suddenly and he's kissing him all delicately on the mouth.

"You looked miles away then." Aaron's saying, has his hands stroking over Robert's ears and he frowns. "You alright?" He's asking and Robert nods, can't help but smile.

"Course I am." He says, means it.

 

::

 

Zak and Lisa arrive with the rest of the Dingle clan, and there's just _beer_ everywhere which makes Aaron practically giddy and Robert has to prize a can away from Jacob because Zak keeps forgetting how young he is.

"Not even six yet Uncle Zak." Robert says, a fake smile on his face as he lifts Jacob up and sets him on his hip and then Zak is apologising and he softens immediately.

"Good father you've got there." Zak tells Jacob, points to him and then Jacob's pressing his head into Robert's neck like he knows and he's proud.

The comment almost knocks Robert back and there's all this deep rooted insecurity just bubbling up out of nowhere.

"Really?"

And he didn't mean to say it aloud but he has and before he knows it Zak is standing up, patting him on the shoulder and nodding.

"Trust me lad." He says and Robert blows out a breath, holds Jacob close to him for a second until his son is running down his leg and he's alone.

But then Aaron's sliding a hand on his lower back and smiling, "I'm so proud of you." He whispers, "And your mum would be too." He smiles, and Robert can't help the way he kisses Aaron, even if Cain's inches away with Isaac on his shoulders.

Even fucking if.

 

::

 

They don't expect her to come, because she said she was travelling this year, but she's there by the door and Jacob hugs her hard and Annie is in awe of her auntie and -

Liv's there for Christmas and it finally feels like there's nothing else needed.

 

::

 

Christmas dinner ends in Jacob nearly spilling the whole gravy pot over Mason and with Annie refusing to take off her party hat even though it's nearly broken.

But it's alright, it's more than fucking alright Robert thinks because he never thought that they'd be hosting Christmas and that he'd actually welcome it.

And Marlon is impressed, starts talking recipes with Robert and it makes Robert feel oddly proud of himself, it's only _Marlon_ , but still.

"Nice spread here Sugden." Charity says, and yeah she's drunk, watches Moses play with Annie once they're finished. Robert looks over at her, nods. "Or Dingle, like - Suggle."

Aaron laughs, "How many times, we kept our last names."

And it makes everyone laugh, even Cain lets out a chuckle and Moira looks dazzled by it.

Robert's suddenly reminded of the wedding, the legal one in summer, the one with Aaron blurting out how much he loves him at the altar and skipping the strict vow parts, the one with the Robert drunkingly dancing with Liv and embarrass the hell out of hell.

The unforgettable day.

And it's just perfect, this huge table, people eating on the sofa, people passing round vegetables, telling Christmas cracker jokes and laughing.

It's just perfect.

 

::

 

They're washing up, finally alone and Aaron's got his hands over Robert's waist, kisses him from behind and rests his head against Robert's shoulder.

They stay like that for a second and then the phone is ringing and Aaron answers it.

He's quiet, and Robert frowns until he's turning around and Aaron's got tears in his eyes.

"You kidding?" He's saying, and his chin is wobbling. "You - it's the best Christmas present we could ask for." He's saying, coming forward and Robert is holding his hand, heart thumping because -

Aaron ends the call, chews on his lip. "Clara went for her scan two days ago." He says, and Robert's heart twists, Clara, the surrogate, she's doing it again for them and it's been so scary, more so than any time before and Robert's been expecting the worst but -

"And?" Robert's eyes widen, "Is everything -"

"It's fine. She - she knows the sex and everything. Rob, it's okay." Aaron says, hand flat on Robert's chest. "It's actually okay this time."

Because it wasn't before, because they never got this far the time before and it broke their hearts.

"We - we can tell the kids?" Robert whispers, and he's been wanting to for months now, been so scared of it going wrong but then Aaron's nodding and the way Robert hugs him explains all the love he feels and more.

They decide to tell everyone at the same time considering they're all round anyway.

Robert sits Annie and Jacob down and they look all confused and Aaron explains about auntie Clara helping them again.

"Is she big again." Jacob's asking, stretching his little hands out over his stomach and Robert nods towards him.

"Because she's going to have another baby for us." Robert says and Jacob's eyes widen.

Chas basically combusts in the corner of the room and Vic is all emotional as Adam claps his hands together.

"Really?" Jacob jumps up and Annie has a sparkle in her eyes.

"Really really." Aaron promises, "You're going to have to look after another princess Jacob."

And it's a girl, a little girl and Robert doesn't know what to do with the way he feels.

Because all he can do is think back to where he was five years ago and where he is now.

Everything fell into place and he worked for it and he _cherishes_ what he has now.

"Baby girl!" Annie's clapping her hands together and Jacob is twirling around, jumping with Mason and Robert is swopped into a hug by Diane as Chas pounces on Aaron and yeah -

Robert isn't afraid to cry a little.

Happy tears.

Just happy tears.

And Liv is crying too, her face all red, all puffy.

"Another niece then?" She's chocking out and Robert hugs her tightly. "God I'm so happy for you."

And it means the world.

 

::

 

The kids are asleep, and the moon is up and yeah they've survived another Christmas unlike Jacob's train set.

Everything is quiet and Aaron's sipping on a snowball, because he gave up trying to pretend he liked mulled wine years ago.

"Mission accomplished I reckon." Aaron whispers, hands falling over Robert's as they lay against the sofa.

The place is an absolute mess but that's tomorrow's problem and Robert doesn't even want to entertain the thought of clearing it up.

"Another Christmas gone already." Robert says with a yawn and then he's going all quiet and Aaron's sensing it, moving across and looking right at his husband.

"Spill." Aaron whispers, hand over Robert's face.

Robert doesn't say anything for a second or two and then his eyes are watering.

"I can't believe we're here." He says, heart heavy. "Because - because five years ago I - I thought I had _nothing_ left."

And it was so dark. And he became dependent on alcohol and misery and hated himself.

"I know." Aaron says darkly, "But you had me, and we got through it."

Robert nods. "And you loved me again." He says gently, can't quite believe it even now.

"Never stopped loving you." Aaron tells him. "You idiot." And Robert laughs a little before sighing.

"I had a dream I'd have this you know, kids running around -"

"The table yeah." Aaron finishes his sentence and Robert looks at him, flawed. Aaron smiles, has to explain. "You told me, when you were all high on morphine after you crashed your car."

And Robert looks embarrassed.

"And I wanted nothing else but just that." Aaron admits, holds Robert's face and kisses him.

Robert smiles, still blushing. "And we made it." He whispers, thinks of his beautiful kids who love him, love him unconditionally and it's mad.

"We made it." Aaron whispers back, a hand through Robert's hair. "And this time next year, we'll have another baby we can't afford." He laughs out, eyes twinkling with excitement. "We've got to think of girls names." He says.

"How about Ella?" Robert suggests, out of the blue and Aaron is silent for a second before trying it out in his mouth.

"Sounds perfect." Aaron whispers, looks all giddy.

Robert smiles. "Good." He says, and then Aaron's sitting up and looking straight at his husband.

"Merry Christmas Mr Dingle." Aaron says, kisses Robert and the older man smiles, can't believe they haven't even had the chance to say it yet.

"Merry Christmas Mr Sugden." Robert says back, pulls a hand through Aaron's hair and hears a moan which makes him tingle and then -

"And a happy new year!" Jacob's singing, somehow he's got his hands on the recorder Paddy got him for his birthday - the one kept right out of sight - and he's playing it all off tune when he should be trying to sleep.

Robert's eyes widen and he can't stay mad at him, not when he smiles and all he sees is Aaron and the Christmas lights still twinkle around them all.

Because he's not alone is he? He's got a family and it's still Christmas Day and it isn't that bad of a holiday after all, not when he has his Jacob, and Aaron, and Annie and Liv and soon little Ella too.

Not when he's got a _family_ and Robert won't ever let that change he thinks as the snow starts to soften outside and Aaron kisses his forehead softly.

Not when he has _this_ sort of Christmas to look forward to for years and years and years and years and years and even more years.

 

::

_{ So here it is, Merry Christmas_

_Everybody's having fun_

_Look to the future now_

_It's only just begun. }_

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> i hope you enjoyed this and enjoy the rest of your day too!


End file.
